I’ve talked before about the ethical obligation to treat others with respect by attentive listening. Today, I want to talk about the flip side of respect: the duty to back off and accept the fact that while others should listen to us, we can’t demand that they agree with us.
Such unreasonable demands are especially prevalent when someone in authority (boss or parent) lectures, criticizes, sermonizes, or berates an employee or child well past the point of legitimate communication. But it isn’t just people of authority who seek to impose their ideas through bulldozer tactics.
The common thread in disrespectful communication is going beyond reasonable attempts to inform or persuade. At that point it becomes a harangue. It’s as if the speaker’s trying to beat us into submission rather than simply conveying a point of view, pummeling us with repetitive opinions, complaints, or demands. And if we don’t give the desired response, the speaker restates the point louder or more aggressively.
Telling browbeaters that we understand their position and will consider what they said rarely stops the onslaught because the only way they’ll believe we understand their point is if we agree with it. They can become so self-righteous that they think disagreeing with them is proof of confusion, ignorance, stupidity, or a closed mind.
No one has the right to impose his or her opinions on others or to demand to be listened to until he or she is done. The moral obligation of respect requires that we learn when to back off and that we learn when to listen.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
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We often read articles like this one and immediately think of someone that we know who fits perfectly into this model. I am remiinded of someone that can have that quality far too often … ME !!! I admit it. Don’t we all have the tendency to want to respond in this manner? My point is, when we read these articles, we can benefit the most when we read and look in the mirror rather than look for a friend, coworker, or acquaintence with this character flaw. Thanks for the reminder!
Excellent insight. Thank you.
Michael,
When you launched your newsletter (at least when *I* became aware of it, anyway), I stopped listening to the audio clips (as much as I enjoyed them when they were on KNX). Tonight on a whim I clicked on this one and was just a little taken aback to hear how different it was from the printed version. I guess you could call it “artistic license” but it just felt odd somehow, especially coming from such a stickler for propriety, both actual and perceived. No big deal, but I noticed.
Thanks for your great commentaries!
Jay
Hi Mr. Josephson, Can you elaborate more on how to respectfully back off? When I have had enough I politely excuse myself but as you say browbeaters get more indignent and the problem can excalate further. Any ideas to conclude the conversation without making the person feel that you are not listening anymore?
I agree with Noah that most often we are usually the offenders…I know I can be when it comes to those things I am very passionate about. I am also a rule follower and dislike it very much so when people do not follow the rules/guidelines set forth for organizations. I want to be in their faces, but I am learning to just shut the mouth and walk away. I have had to let go of my feelings of what will happen. Cannot convince a person against their will on anything.
Someone … I sure understand how you feel. I have learned that we all have control issues. We’re all controllers in one way or another. Wow! We seem to have rules for our life (and we often rationalize it when we break our own rules) and we want to impose our rules of life onto others. How dare us! We hate it when others do the things that we do, too, even if it is only once in a while. I have decided that it is a big enough job to control my own life, let alone everyone elses. Think about this … when we want the most to control the behavior or attitude of someone else, it is because we have become out of control. It all boils down to attitudinal healing … MINE!