COMMENTARY 988.1: Saying the Right Thing

When someone you care about is suffering greatly, what’s the right thing to say to make him or her feel better?

There are all sorts of traumas that can send us to the darkest dungeons of despair – the death of a loved one, being raped, getting a divorce, losing a limb, seeing a child sent to jail or on drugs. Whatever the cause, when we become so despondent or depressed that we start wondering whether life is worth living, we need a real friend.

I’m no expert in conveying condolences, but one thing I’ve learned is that trying to command, cajole, or convince a broken person to repress, reject, or disguise his or her feelings is more harmful than helpful.

Telling someone whose loved one died not to feel bad because “She lived a long life” or “At least he’s not suffering anymore” might offer some consolation, but it doesn’t go to the core of the hurt or acknowledge the loss of the person left to deal with the tragedy’s aftermath.

Even less helpful are remarks like “It’s not as bad as it seems,” “It could have been worse,” or “You’ll get over it.” However well-intentioned, attempts to give a grieving person a long-term perspective probably won’t work while the pain’s still intense and fresh.

Worst of all, telling a person to “Cheer up” or “Look at the bright side” as if the individual simply has to flip a switch implies that the person ought to be handling his or her sorrow better.

Finally, what makes us think we’re helping a grief-stricken friend by using his or her tragedy as an excuse to talk about ourselves? (“I know how you feel. I lost my dad last year” or “You’ll get over it. I did.”)

In the early stages, grief isn’t just an attitude, it’s an affliction. It can’t be turned off or toned down. It often has to run its course. Yes, there may be times when we can redirect a friend to other matters and more positive thoughts, but generally he or she has to experience and work through all the natural emotions that flow from the calamity including self-pity, resentment, anger, and fear.

The bottom line is, this is tricky territory. Most of us just aren’t as good as those who write Hallmark cards.

On the other hand, it’s just as bad if we become so self-conscious about saying the wrong thing that we fail to be there at all. All we can do is speak through our hearts, hoping our awkward words will be forgiven and our good intentions appreciated.

The best antidotes to hopeless grief are sincere expressions of love and support that prove life is worth living.

What do you think? Is there a right thing to say? What have you said or written to someone that meant a lot to that person? If you’ve ever experienced deep grief, what did someone do that uplifted you?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

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